guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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