I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
