There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
