How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
