oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
