How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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