I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
