I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
