ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
