I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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