Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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