I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
