Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
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I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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