mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
