were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
