I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
