What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
