My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
