HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
In America we eat man semen.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
