woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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