You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
should my penis look like a turkey
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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