Got a toothbrush?
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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