Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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