Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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