remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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