I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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