Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
