I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm just crazy horny about you
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
