Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh god it's open bar.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
