tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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