i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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