Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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