We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
