I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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