You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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