my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
