Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
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I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
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I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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