you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
