I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
