Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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