You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
