I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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