It's like God shit irony all over that family
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
two words: eviction party
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
