I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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