I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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