Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
