No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
