the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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