We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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