Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
