We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.