im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void