my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's never too late to be topless.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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