If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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