He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
