We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
are you so shy because you have an std?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
