Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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